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TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

. TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

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. Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty, But Aren't 10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch 5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth, 2. You scared me stiff! 1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

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. "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!" "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you." "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man." "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!" "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!" "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore." "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!" "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!" "Don't make me put you back in the womb!" "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!" "You just wait til your father gets paroled!" "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin." "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!" and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

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. 10. Reach in and grab the giblets! 9. Whew.....that's one terrific spread! 8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist. 6. Talk about a huge breast! 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone" 4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down. 3. It's cool whip time!! 2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst. 1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

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. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it - If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

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. GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....I found your cat...Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

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. Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary 10. Today is our what? 9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's. 8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up. 7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together? 6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will. 5. I thought we only celebrated important events? 4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift? 3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love. 2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex. 1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

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. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

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. Cool Bumper Stickers -Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. -A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. -Horn broken, watch for finger. -My kid had sex with your honor student. -If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished. -Help wanted telepath: You know where to apply. -I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. -Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole. -I'm just driving this way to piss you off. -Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading. -Hang up and drive. -Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. -Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. -If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers. -Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock. -I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -The gene pool could use a little chlorine. -We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot. -I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! -He who laughs last thinks slowest! -Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. -There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? -Assassins do it from behind. -If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. -Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. -Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. -I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -Where there's a will, I want to be in it. -Few women admit their age...few men act theirs. -We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

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. Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible. When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary. Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat. Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better. Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him. Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male. Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously. Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires. Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress? Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire. Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation. Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic. As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..." Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out. Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car. If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".

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. Ebonics Crimmus Pome Wuz de nite befo Crimmus An' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' good We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our check All o'de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey heads I passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!" I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff Wif a warrent fo sho And what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis nite Faster dan a Po'lees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta' mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' Da damndest site I ebber did see He didn't go down no chimbley He picked da' lock on my doe An' I sez to myself "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!" He had dis big bag Full of prezents I 'xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun' my neck But he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe...still lit! Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to cut him But he stoled my 'nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon An' whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon' Dat sum of a bitch!! Next year I be hopin' Anutha Sanna we git Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause Jus' ain't werf a shit!!! Murry Crimmus

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. Wuz de night befo Crismus An all ober de hood Everybody wuz sleepin' Day wuz sleepin' good. Everbody wuz sleepin' all tight in they beds Whilst Thunderbird Wine Danced in they heads I was passed out on de flo Right next to my Ma When I heard such a fuss I thinked "It must be de law!!" I looked out tru de barz dat covered my do Spectin' de sherif with a warrant fo sho! Now ober de years Sanny Claws, he be white. But it lookin' like us bros got a black Sanny dis night Now what I did see made me say "LAWD Lood at dat!" It was a huge watermellon cadi pulled by dwarf rats Faster than a po-lice car True de air he came an whupped up on dem warf rats an called emm by name. On Leroy, on Kendrick, On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious They was a sight to see He didn't go down no chimbly -just picked de lock on my do' An I says to myself- "Shit! He done did befo'!" He had a big sack full of presents I spect With Air Jordans and Fake Gold to go 'round my neck. But he didn't leave any presents -just started steelin' my shit He got my drugs, my stoled guns an even my burglars kit! With his sack on his back Out de winder he flew I sho woulda catched 'em, but he stole my knife too! He jumped on dat watermelon cadi and pulled out a switch He was gone in a second dat son-of-a-bitch I sho hope nex year a white Sanny we git 'Cause de black Sanny Claws jus' ain't wuf a shit!!

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. A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed. After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him. He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?' He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.' She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!' He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!'

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. I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms,to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. "Oh yes", I say to you, "I must say Grace!" "Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen." (You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having) Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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. The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!"

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. The Naughty Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a spatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here. and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolph. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

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. When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" True fact.

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. 1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry. 3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends. 4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy. 5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. 6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

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. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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. DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling! January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc?e is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(guy): 889

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. Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

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. An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(exhibitionist): 394

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. One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying. "Whats wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?" "Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

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. T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and through down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money the reindeers all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money And the kids these days- they all are the pits They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads I made a ton of yo yo's No request for them They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM If you thinks that bad...just picture this Try holding their pants full of piss They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 1449

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. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 2842

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. Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house There were empties and butts Left around by some louse. And the best quart I'd hid By the chimney with care Had been swiped by some creep Who'd discovered it there! Our hung-over guests Had been poured into bed (They'll wake in the morn With a God-awful head) My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my belt And only the seasick Could know how I felt! My wife - she had long ago Gone up to bed While visions of Redskins Danced in her head. And I in the parlor Sat all alone, I'd unplugged the cat And put out the phone. Just then, through a window Came noise and smells Like an overturned beer truck And tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chair To see what was the matter To see what was causing The smell and the clatter. When what to my wondering Eyes did appear But eight drunken reindeer And sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was Santa As tight as a tick! Weaving upward and downward His reindeer they came While he hiccoughed and burped And called them by name: "On Gallo! On Ripple! We ain't got all night! You, too, Manischevitz! And you, Miller lite! "Ho Bud! Easy, Boh! Give Busch there a hand! Now now, Lowenbrau - You can go when we land! Head up for that roof -- Watch out for the wall! Get going, you guys We've got a long haul!" So up to my roof Went his reindeer and sled But my TV antenna Hit him right in the head! And then in a twinkling I heard Santa swear So hot that it melted The snow everywhere! I could tell in a moment This guy had no class For he fell down my chimney Right smack on his sack! He was dresed all in fur From his head to his toes. Red were his eyeballs, His coat and his nose. He had a round face And toy-filled sack His breath would have blown A freight off the track! He was chubby and plump And he tried to stand right But he couldn't fool me - He was high as a kite! He spoke not a word But went straight to his work And missed half the stockings, The plastered old jerk! Then putting five fingers To the end of his nose He gave me the word As up the chimney he rose. Crossing my rooftop He went at a run Not seeing what one Of his reindeer had done. He skidded, and then Fell flat on his face! His remarks after this Were a total disgrace! Then he got in his sled And I heard Santa moan: "Why did I stop there? Bux's kids are all grown!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 2503

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. December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------- December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes --------------------------------------- December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ---------------------------------------- December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ----------------------------------------- December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes ------------------------------------------ December 20th John: What's with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fricking birds! Sincerely, Agnes ------------------------------------------- December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS. Ag ---------------------------------------------- December 22nd Hey Buttface: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And geeeez - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag ---------------------------------------------- You Rotten Prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag ---------------------------------------------- December 24th Listen Asshole: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister ---------------------------------------------- December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(14th dearest): 4272

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. It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. Keep reading on below... ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? You smile and thank your dentist! After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(your): 1675

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. Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. "Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."

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. "'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed. Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5." But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank." And then I discovered my backups were blank. The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days. And nobody's tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock. "What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, so I knew that this time bomb was going to blow." Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius. His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. "Whoever configured this network's a jerk," He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted, Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO, To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. "Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!" He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. "Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic! Technology often looks just like some magic To people who don't understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two, Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!" My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. "How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!" He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick, If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING." And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, "Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"

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. An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one," she said. "Well then, are you a friend of the groom?" "I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother!"

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. Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings: "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?" "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!" "Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine." "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

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. Q: Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? A: The nation!

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. It was so cold outside, I saw a politicain that had his hands in his OWN pockets.

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. If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(the): 103

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. Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(steal): 55

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. Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off!

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. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

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. At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted every Presidents Day.

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. Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock. A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

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. You should "never" drink during tax season. "You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!"

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. What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter

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. Q: Name two words that have no meaning. A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

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. We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list... If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I guess I'll just never understand the world as it is anymore... So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke - I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

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. From David Letterman and the Late Show... Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn 10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy 9. When people whisper, "Your fly is open," he says, "Yeah, I know" 8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera 7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he'll say "pancakes" just for the fun of lying 6. He's no longer just fat -- he's now Hugh Rodham fat 5. "Tubby" is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay 4. Doesn't even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore 3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as "my lovely wife" 2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as "the house that dirty pardon money built" 1. Sits in the back of Al Gore's journalism class screaming, "Loser!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(david): 779

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. Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area: HONK! If you had sex with the President Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign! Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency Adultery IS NOT a family value Does character matter YET? One More Whore And We Get Gore Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student Jail to the Chief Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter. Save the President: Legalize Perjury Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

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. Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie: Dial M for Monica Saving Clinton's Privates All the President's Women The Lying King Free Willy Terms of Impeachment Driving Miss Monica Independent Counsel Day The Six Commandments The Full Monica President on a Hot Tin Roof Red Faced in October Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency Bedtime for Bubba The Me Lie Massacre!

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. (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head) SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998 Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula. Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize. But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away. I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement. I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires. In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago. The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the things that we leaked. This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me. Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years. Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense. Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life. My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with. Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess. Thank you for watching and good night.

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. What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

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